Enjoy!
One Car aka Wanker!!
When my son says one car it completely sounds like wanker –
we find this bloody hilarious!
‘Jake look at that man cutting Daddy up on the roundabout
over there...how many cars have you got?’
WANKER!
‘Jake, Donald Trump wants to count your cars with you, how
many have you got?’
WANKER!
OK Jake we get the message you don’t like Donald
Trump...who does?
It can also come in handy when you don’t like someone or
someone is being rude! Just bend down and whisper in your kids ear ‘how many
cars?’ then shoot back up like nothing happened and wait – wait for the magic to
happen.
WANKER!
When the looks from people start just simply say ‘What my
child is counting his cars and he has one car! What did you think he said?’ It’s
evil but hay it’s funny too! And, obviously only works when they do in fact
only have one car and in the learning to talk stage...you won’t get away with
it when they are 10 and calling people wankers...sorry!
I think just sometimes we have to laugh at certain situations.
Obviously not laughing at your child because that is just damn right cruel but
when they don’t have a clue what is happening and it gets you through the day
with a giggle then, why not?
I don’t think the one car trick is up to Britain’s Got
Talent level but it will at least amuse my household for a few more days.
And boy, do you need to laugh at this parenting lark
sometimes or what?! The other day we took Jake to a soft play area. He can go
in on his own now but likes to drag us in there at every given opportunity and
my God it must be the quickest and easiest way to lose all dignity in one full
sweep
I’ve come to the conclusion that if I’m not sitting down
and drinking a hot chocolate while catching up on phone duties I fucking hate
soft play area’s.
Everything about it hurts and makes you question how many
mince pies you’ve eaten that day!
You have to squeeze through two massive padded rollers,
which has the smallest gap in between you’ve ever seen in your life and still
try to look remotely lady like in the process, then you fall out onto the floor
the other side! Then you quickly shoot up to see if anyone has seen you act out
the performance of Play-Doh being squeezed through a machine all while you ache
everywhere like a bitch!
Even before you attempt it, you shit yourself that you
won’t actually make it through to the other side and be wedged in the rollers;
holding up all the kids wanting to breeze through the gap! All you need to hear
is ‘Mummy, a fat lady is stuck in the rollers again and I can’t get past!!’ Cue
the moment you die and never return to that evil place ever again!
If you do fit through, which I just about do then every
time I get through I see it as a mini fist pump moment and reward myself with a
Kit Kat.
You see other parents going through the same pain and give
them the nod or make some joke like ‘who needs a gym when you can come here!’
Give me a gym anytime!! You don’t climb up, down, over, under, through tiny
gaps all while trying to look graceful and putting up with that one clingy kid
that never leaves you alone in a gym!
I’ll let you into a secret too...I used to be scared of
going down the big slide (especially the twisty tunnel ones in the bloody dark)
but you can’t be afraid in front of a child, let alone your own, can you?
Oh no, everything has to be so much fun!! I went down one
for the first time and I wanted to run around the place, celebrating like I’d
just won a gold medal and topping it off with a jump (fuck it, doing a bomb) in
the ball pool!
I’ve even lost Jake before in a soft play area. He told me
to go down one of them horrible slides and he would follow me...he didn’t. I
was at the bottom and he was at the top crying but I thought he was stuck in
the middle! I’ve never run through the padded assault course as fast as I did
that day in all my life. I was grabbing children and screaming ‘have you seen
my son’ in their faces and even watching children come down the slide then
asking them if a child was stuck in the middle – well obviously not!
He had just wondered off looking for me and was happily
playing. Me on the other hand looked like a complete nutter with static hair
and a sock missing! I pay money for this shit!
Anyway, you have to laugh and next time that clingy kid
won’t leave us I’ll tell Jake to count his car and next time I lose him by
accident I’ll shout out Wanker!
Everyone is a winner.
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