Again, we know how important this subject is and the more we talk about it, quite frankly, the better! Sometimes it takes a lot for these lovely women to come forward and share their story (or even just to write it down) so they deserve a lot of credit for being brave and helping others in doing the same.
Keep going girls and let's kick this taboo subject up the arse!
Mental health and motherhood
Mental health and motherhood: three words that
people wouldn't use in the same sentence. Why? Because to be a new mother and
to have issues with your mental health is deemed to be a shameful thing. I'm
here to tell you it is not.
I stopped keeping my struggle with my mental health a secret a long time ago; I no longer feel shame about my mental illness. Whilst pregnant with my daughter H, I suffered with pre natal depression and extreme anxiety. I remember one of the midwives writing in my notes that I needed to be referred to the mental health team. She didn't discuss this with me before writing it down and I didn't find out until I flicked through my notes when I went home. I was sure that because she hadn't discussed it with me, that it was a secret and someone was going to think I wasn't good enough to be a mum. I was petrified someone would take my baby from me! I ripped that page of my notes out and suffered massively because I so desperately needed help.
H was born at 39 weeks
and we spent a week in hospital with her being treated for suspected
meningitis. I didn't sleep the whole time we were in because I was convinced
I'd fall asleep and wake up and she would have been taken away. H was poorly
for the first 6 months of her life with her allergies, GORD and sandifers
syndrome and this had a massive impact on my mental health.
I was
diagnosed with post natal depression when H was 6 months old and I
suffered terrible bouts of psychosis, where I was convinced everyone was
talking about how shit I was and plotting against me. At some points I
really didn't even want to be here anymore. I contemplated ending it all many
times. Some days I would literally be at my wits end by the time R got home.
I
would hand H to him, get in my car, pick a direction and just drive. I tortured
myself so much on those drives; I'd think about how much better off they would
all be without me, convinced that my baby hated me. I thought about never going
back and just disappearing to give them a better life without me in it. I hated
myself. I convinced myself I was a terrible mother and I loathed myself for it.
It got to the point where I was hurting everyone else around me because I
couldn't control the thoughts, like knives, in my head; I was literally driving
myself crazy.
I still feel upset and guilty about the things I put R and my family through on my darkest days. I eventually found out about an amazing charity called Pandas and contacted them via Facebook. They helped me along my journey and with the support of my amazing other half, family, friends and my lovely, understanding GP, I started to get better.
I still suffer with my mental
health, but I'm not ashamed of it anymore. I know now that it's OK not to be OK.
Let's stop the stigma. Many people with mental health issues are made to feel
ashamed. Let's change the way we all think about mental health; It's OK
not to be OK! Don't keep your struggles to yourself.
If you can relate to any
of this and are still suffering in silence, I urge you to seek professional
help. You don't need to be scared of your doctor; they will not judge you. You
don't need to feel scared about being referred for counselling. You don't need
to feel shame or embarrassment about anything to do with your mental health.
Your mental health is just as important as physical health.
If you're reading
this and you're thinking 'god this sounds like me,' then I want you to know
that the dark times don't last forever; things will start to get easier when
you seek help. Bringing up a baby whilst battling with your mental health is
fucking hard, but you've GOT this and you're doing awesome!
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