Money, Sex and Honesty: Life Lessons For My Daughter…

OK; let’s start with something a bit ‘superficial’ to capture your interest. Eyebrows DO NOT grow back. EVER. Take it from someone who has spent the best part of their life attempting to. If you over pluck, over wax, over anything then you’ve basically fucked the main feature of your face and will subsequently forgo your entire expendable income on something to make them look like their old selves. Lucky for you, my darling girl, today’s products are much better than they were when I was experimenting with mine. Plus, I’m sure you will be a lot more brow savvy than your silly old mother but still; take heed, filling in your threadbare brows with pencils, powders and pens grows incredibly weary after twenty years of doing it. I’d kill to get my bushy uns’ back.
Talking of ‘silly old mothers’, your hair is another ‘contentious’ issue. Whilst I can not (and would not) stop you from wanting to try out different stuff (it’s all part of a process) I will try to give you some guidance. Bleach is bad. Trust me when I say this. It is REALLY bad. I’ll take you aside one day; you won’t listen (as I didn’t) but it will go something like this: “Mummy once had beautiful, thick, virgin hair which swung like a curtain and swooshed behind her wherever she walked…Now? Now she has a dry mop of broken, slightly yellowing strands which make her feel very, very sad indeed and which only a tonne of serum and a pair of GHDs, hotter than the *actual* sun can fix.” Natural hair is always the best hair, but you may think yours boring. It isn’t. It’s beautiful. If you want to play around then do just please be gentler than mummy was with hers.
When I was about fifteen, I loved to go to a shop called Rowfers in Wolverhampton. It was very 90s. Moons and Stars and Suns everywhere, wind chimes and pots of hair dye. You could buy an entire outfit for about £17.99 and still afford a McDonald’s. I liked to wear those pretend rings you clamped on to your nose and a lot of Tie Dye. Striped long socks and ‘wacky’ T-Shirts. Basically like all the ‘youth’ dress now, except, rather sadly, there was no irony when I wore such ensambles…just an awkward, spotty, slightly strange girl with terrible tastes. Still, it was a part of my adolescence and helped to cement my forray into dressing to suit both myself, my love of fashion and to embrace clothing. Clothes are clothes, you don’t need to ‘fit in’ just see them as the fun, personal and mood enhancing things they can be and wear what the bloody hell you want; irrespective of trends or body shape.
You might find taking a compliment a challenge; but, you should try anyway. How others perceive you is often counterbalanced with one’s own feeling of self and although it isn’t wise to get too bogged down with ‘what people think’ it’s good to take on board nice stuff. And say thankyou. They don’t see flaws, teeny imperfections (which make you human coincidently) just the whole of ‘you’. Take on board the nice stuff people say, soak it in and let yourself feel good.
If you believe in something then have the courage to see it through. Don’t be discouraged by those who think you’ll fail. Keep going. Keep believing. If indeed it does go “tits up”; which it may, I won’t lie, then you tried; trying is important. Resisting through fear is the problem not your leaps of faith.
Enjoy your food. Savour it. Explore it. Be bold and brave BUT understand that your emotions are a separate thing. Know yourself and learn to ‘feel’, be kind to yourself and allow your thoughts to be varied. Revel in your sadness, your pain and your joy and see them for what they are; don’t mask them. They’ll just keep popping right back up.
You are as good as everyone else on our little planet but you are not “better”…different yes; better? No. You are equal. You are unique. You don’t need to be anyone else, look like, act like, nor live as anyone else. The differences you share with your fellow humans are what make life juicy. Those differences make for story telling and education; empathy and compassion and even love. Embrace your own and everyone else’s uniqueness. Life is so bloody short; there’s simply no time to fanny about in a shadow of pretence. Wear your “ME” T-shirt and wear it loud.
Try and be kind; always. It can be *very* tempting to join in with gossip but try to be the one who sticks up for the “gossiped about” one; not the gossip herself. Bitching may feel relieving but opt for being nice and never, ever be the bully. People aren’t born ‘bad’ (apart from maybe Donald Trump.) Look at others and try and see the bigger picture. Oh and reserve your judgments too. Being judgemental is one of the silliest things you can be and may cost you friends.
See exercise as the feel-good thing it can be and try to get some going on; in whatever form, however you can. I don’t mean pushing it at a gym 7 days a week either. Rather; feel what your body can do and how that makes you feel. Look after your body without obsession. Nourish your mind above all. If competitive stuff is your bag then go for it (with me as your mum I’m doubting there will be much of a sporty connection but you never know!) and try your best; do it with passion for your chosen ‘thing’ not for a need to be best all the time.
You may experience love in many forms. A crush. A first boyfriend or girlfriend. An unrequited romance. A broken heart is pretty much the law in life; at some point. It really sucks, and also hurts a lot too, but; through feeling the loss of a relationship or friendship you gain experience. And you get tougher. And that is a good thing. Never feel ashamed for how you feel and don’t let it cloud any future judgement. Love is a beautiful thing. Some find it and others don’t. Either way; be sure to explore your feelings with an open mind and an open heart.
Education is important but grades are not everything. We are here to guide you. Your chosen path/ career/ job is exactly that; your choice; not mine. Not your friends. Do what fires you up and makes you tick. Believe you can. Having said that; work doesn’t have to be your everything…no job is worth the fear or anxiety some roles can bring; feeling very stressed, having poor physical health or never seeing friends or family (especially family aka me…ahem…Your mum.) isn’t worth sacrificing.
Money is a rather nice thing to have. Having loads of money is especially fun. Having an absolute shite load? Well, I can only imagine but I do know the opposite; of being in debt and being in a pickle; feeling scared and penniless etc. You don’t need loads of money (unless it is earned) We are made to believe we do but really we don’t. It’s a terribly over- used cliché but try to be grateful for what you have. There are folk whose only want is clean water. Wanting to do better for yourself is a good thing; greed or excessiveness not so.
Never diet. Ever. I implore you. Listen to your body and look after it. You don’t have to love it, your physical state isn’t *all* you are after all. Work on having a lovely relationship with your outer shell and to accept yourself as is. A lifetime spent obsessing, worrying, fighting and putting stuff off until you look like you think you should is a wasted life indeed.
Travel. Say ‘YES’ to as many invites as you can. Savour your freedom and explore your world. Open your ears and your heart to other cultures and make your life as full as you can. Material ‘stuff’ is pretty and nice and fun and enticing but experiences add wisdom add a lasting joy to your life.
Be honest about what you like and don’t like. Music, film, theatre, the Arts are so varied and life would be an utter bore if we all loved the same stuff. Don’t be scared to stick your head above the parapet and express your tastes proudly. But remember the value of your comrades’ opinions also and be kind in your evaluation of them.
We will love you forever. As your mum, I am already *more* proud of you than you could ever possibly know but as with all human beings, you will inevitably make mistakes. I’ve made a few myself (loads actually) I’m just learning now at 37 to accept these faux pas and try to stop regretting the things I did with good or wrong intentions because life happens my darling. Use your energy to focus on the positive ways you can put things right instead.
Finally; sex… Awks I know. I’m your mother and this stuff is private and can be embarrassing; but we have to talk. It (sex, ‘bumping uglies’, doing it…) will get much, much better when you start understanding who you are as a woman, and how you want to love and be loved. Always; always put your own needs as equal to that of your partners. Focus on embracing the beauty of passionate love, explore and experience in your own time and always be careful…Please.