PROJECT BABY B

So, who knew it was so hard to fall pregnant?

At school it was drummed into us that 'if you have sex, you WILL fall pregnant! FACT! Based on this sterling sex education I spent my late teens and early twenties paranoid that good old flow wouldn't show.

Fast forward to our wedding when the hubby and I agreed to start Project Baby B. The glove was off! I was sure to have a bun in the oven by the time our honeymoon was over. Alas! It wasn't as straight forward as we were always told; who knew?

Falling pregnant is difficult and what makes it so much worse is that the feeling of total and utter disappointment coincides perfectly with you feeling like a total shit-heap of an emotional mess! I became obsessed; I downloaded apps (as if these even exist), brought ovulation tests, conception vitamins and generally acted like a total maniacal woman.

I spoke to friends about how I felt, as though my body was failing me and I was feeling worse and worse every month. Everywhere I looked people had bumps and were gleefully announcing their pregnancies whilst I hid in the nearest toilet to cry. The only advice was 'have loads of sex, it will happen'. That's terrible advice. What I needed to hear was; do you know what Amy, it is a painful journey but it will be so worth it.

Instead I kept crying in toilets. I know of so many couples that struggled a hell of a lot more than we did and I honestly have no idea how they didn't fall apart. Eventually I gave up mentally. I was defeated. Not to sound too cliché, but this was when I fell pregnant - instantly!

Once I was pregnant I began to hear all the stories of how hard people found it. It is almost as if it is some sort of secret club and you don't know until you know. I wish it had been made more open and then maybe I wouldn't have raked myself over the coals and got so worked up over when my core temperature was at it's peak. Maybe I would have been able to enjoy the process just a little bit and not had to hide in so many bloody toilets!

Motherhood is such an amazing community but my word, is the journey there awfully lonely.

Written by Amy @kittyandpip