Yesterday whilst browsing Instagram I saw that it was
#mentalhealthawarenessweek. I felt compelled to write and illustrate something
to draw attention to this as I struggled following the birth of my eldest son.
I suppose
it started when I was pregnant. Howard was a happy accident, in the very early
stages of a relationship. I felt judgement at every turn (I realise this was my
anxiety now.) I felt shame that I wasn’t married, that it was early into a
relationship, that I had left a good job to travel before realising I was
pregnant. People kept gasping and sharing sorrow with me. Telling me how life
tough would be. I know people meant well but I am quite stight laced and my
anxiety started to have a field day!! It told me how useless I was, how hard life
would be and how I’d fail!
When Howard was born, I felt the amazing sense of love that I think all new mum’s do. However, I should have noticed warning signs when I didn’t want people to hold him without my permission. I remember nipping upstairs one day with my partners aubty holding him, when I came back down his cousin was. It took every ounce of strength to not not grab him back crying and screaming!!
When Howard was born, I felt the amazing sense of love that I think all new mum’s do. However, I should have noticed warning signs when I didn’t want people to hold him without my permission. I remember nipping upstairs one day with my partners aubty holding him, when I came back down his cousin was. It took every ounce of strength to not not grab him back crying and screaming!!
My eldest had colic and I used
this as an excuse to hold him all the time. I learnt to do everything one
handed, lay to sleep with him at naps and at night. This led to a baby who
didn’t sleep and made me even more exhausted! I felt that if I didn’t do
everything though I’d be a bad mum (oh anxiety again!)
I went out, even away for
weekends, but felt guilt like never before! I cried and found solace in the
bottom of a bottle! I felt stuck on a treadmill, living the same day on repeat,
flat and unfeeling! Don’t get me wrong, I did love Howard, but it became
overshadowed with guilt and resentment.
I found it so hard to speak up.
I’d go to the doctors thinking he was ill as he couldn’t sleep, hoping one GP
would have a magic wand! I remember one telling me it was bad parenting (FYI
not the best thing to say!)
I was the first out of my group
of friends to have babies. I found it hard to talk about these feelings as I
believed they wouldn’t understand. As they had babies they seemed to love every
minute, another pointer for anxiety that I was a bad mum.
I found it hard to make new mum
friends as well. The feeling of judgement stopped me being comfortable making
antenatal ones and once he was here by competitive nature told me that other
mum’s were just trying to be better than me.
It took me 3 years to speak up and seek some
help. It was another child and 4 more years until I found some counselling and
started on a proper path to recovery. Please don’t leave it that long. Speak
up! If you’re friends with someone and think they might be having a struggle,
put an arm round them, make them a cuppa and give them some time. It really
might make all the difference Written by Helen from @nib_ink_paper
If you would like to donate to PANDAS Foundation ensure
they can continue to help support families affected by both pre & postnatal
mental illnesses please text PANDAS £3, £5 or £10 to 70660 or visit their
website for further information and support.
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Foundation receives 100% of your donation. Obtain bill payer's permission.
Customer care 01691 664275 Charity No 1149485.)
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