When
I had my eldest son (16) the Iran/Iraq war was starting to rumble and although
he was about 11 months when Blair agreed the UK would join I was still breast
feeding him and would say I had had a permanent feeling of 'blue'. He had
been ill, suffering an unusual reaction to the DTP vaccinations and I had
decided to leave my job and become a full-time Mum (enjoying it but always
feeling wobbly). Anyway, when the news announced that UK would join the
war I turned to the Current Husband and said "you go to Tesco and stock up
on water and tins and I will continue feeding the baby to keep him alive".
I was serious. His face was a picture. I put my dark mood
down to the fact that I was overwhelmed at bringing this baby in to the World
and I had to protect him. It wasn't until that moment that I realised it
was a mental issue.
I
decided to have acupuncture and very quickly felt much better. Falling pregnant with my daughter in early 2003. The depression started whilst I
was pregnant and I knew I was having a girl - I felt so different. The
depression once again manifested itself in me feeling so overwhelmed at
protecting us - our family. Because I could see how unreasonable my
thoughts were, but could not stop them I continued with acupuncture and
counselling. She was born in November, a very cold and wet Winter
followed which added to the gloom. I made myself go out. I made
myself walk. I made myself breath.
As
you know a family member suggested that our family was complete because we had
a boy and a girl but due to my crippling thoughts I felt I had to experience
pregnancy again to "get it right' - I can't explain how I felt being
pregnant again would make me better, to this day I'm not sure what my thought
process was.
Number
3 arrived in early 2006 and all was well mentally. However in 2005 we
attended a wedding in Central London and there were armed guards everywhere
following the London Terrorist attacks. I had a hair appointment off of Oxford
Street and having walked past guards on the way I sat in the hairdressers for
an hour before I was able to go back to the hotel. Physically the
pregnancy had been tough but I felt I have battled my demons and was an absolute
dab hand at getting 3 children out of the door by 0815 every morning.
Filling the pre-school day with soft play and baby gym and backing up the
eldest reception school education!
Pregnant
again in 2007 and the doom descended, I felt physically and mentally
drained. I subsequently found out that I had a prolapsed bowel and
Chinese medicine links the brain and the gut and I genuinely feel this impacted
me physically more than mentally but the dark thoughts were still there.
So much so that once number 4 was born I wouldn't go any further than our
immediate vicinity and school. I would insist that the Current Husband
drove us all to Bluewater so that if anything happened we would all die
together. (I'd heard the Bluewater Shopping Centre could be a potential
terrorist target).
I
guess I take from this that I have a subliminal fear of war/terrorism (it has
never impacted my life) but something about it, combined with the children
makes me want to protect and save us. I have a need to make us - especially
them - survive. I feel permanent
anxious, which the Current Husband describes as living at ‘defcon4’.
I
still have acupuncture, which is a superb treatment for depression,
particularly PND as it regulates female cycles/hormones and I also had CBT in
2009 – again great.
Anyway,
the youngest is nine and what I would like new Mum's to know is you can live
with it, sometimes it isn't full blown depression and you need to over think IT
to get to the bottom of IT. Mine is obviously a need to ensure survival.
So much so that here is a photo of our shed "the Armageddon
Shed" as it is know. I took this yesterday and I have been obsessed
with survival since 2002!
Written by Claire @clairelgoodtimes
If you would like to donate to PANDAS Foundation ensure
they can continue to help support families affected by both pre & postnatal
mental illnesses please text PANDAS £3, £5 or £10 to 70660 or visit their
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