I am lucky to have my partner, he is (mostly) wonderful. Where
I refuse to say I’m lucky is he does do the laundry and gets the changing bag
ready- all by himself- if he takes our
daughter out, which he often does. I am not the lucky one, we all are- the three
of us: to be able to build and lead this life together, as a family. To have
two parents share responsibility for our daughter and be able to follow our
separate career dreams: that’s fortunate.
Oh, and the result of some careful thought and planning. So, the aim is: our
daughter will grow up knowing her worth and capabilities are not defined by
gender, seeing both parents do the housework and chores and -more importantly-
doing other things that bring them joy.
Don’t get me wrong, we do not lead an insta-perfect life. When
our daughter arrived and we were thrown in to parenthood, we had ALL the fights
about the empty cups next to the dishwasher and nappy bags left on the floor.
But he listened- because it was me that gave much more of a damn- and we’ve
agreed to work towards the blatantly-totally-impossible-but-we-all-strive-for-it-balance
as best we can. Again, I don’t think I’m lucky to have a partner who listens: I’m
grateful, sure, but that should be the expectation, right?
Interestingly, since we’ve been figuring this all out, we’ve
noticed people generally ask me what our daughter eats, when she naps, if she
needs something... All that daily life stuff. When there are two parents in the
room (who both know the answers). No wonder so many women are frazzled from the
mental load- even when you’re working it out within your relationship, society
puts that expectation on you. Unthinkingly. And I guess that’s the issue: many
people are not thinking about this.
And hell, it’s a lot of work, doing all the thinking,
talking and implementing. I haven’t even managed to write the weekly chores
schedule, so he has something to work from (we still have a fair amount of him
asking me what needs doing). Ideally, of course, I wouldn’t need to write the
schedule. We’re pragmatic though and have acknowledged I have different
standards and we do things differently. He’s more oblivious but is happy- after
some ‘discussion’- to meet my requirements when he’s on the childcare shift. A
project manager for years, a task-list is what he needs and I’ve accepted that.
That’s not because I subscribe to the bullshit notion that
we (women) should be judged on the upkeep of our home. If you are happy to
ignore the mess then I am- honestly- envious of you. It simply makes me crazy
when there is crap everywhere or when the sides are dirty. And nobody wants me in
that frame of mind. Nobody. I don’t like it tidy because I am a woman- I like
it tidy because I like it tidy. This way, with my partner keeping it neater than
he might normally do, we can both work when we are not looking after our child.
He can work, whatever but appreciates I find it more difficult. The result: we
have a probably-tidier-than-most-homes-with-a-one-year-old-house and-
thankfully- a relationship where I’m not harbouring loads of resentments about
‘having’ to do it all.
Hey, it’s not perfect yet, it’s very much a work-in-progress.
But when, actually ever, is life not a work-in-progress? By doing this work
now, when our daughter is young, we hope to help our daughter learn she can be
whatever she wants, do whatever she wants to do and still have a clean and tidy
house (if she wants one). If she chooses to be with a man, or woman, or a
person not identifying as either, she’ll have a positive model of how to build
a relationship, life and home based on respect and collaboration, rather than
society’s expectations or binary definitions of gender. I am really bloody
grateful for that.
Written by Holly @nolessthanskies
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